Benjamin Ogier Timeline, Legacy & History

Dear Benjamin
I found out that you were in my tummy on Friday 1st July 2005. We kept you a secret from family and friends until we knew for sure that you were fine. We saw you for the very first time upon the scan when you were 12 weeks old. You looked so tiny and peaceful. You were however fast asleep and no matter how hard we tried, could not wake you. You had your very first photo taken that day and we showed it to everybody. The next time we saw you Benjamin was when you were 20 weeks old. Again you were sleeping like a log and refused to wake for us. You were much bigger this time and Mummy thought she could see you were a boy..... but wasn't certain. The Doctor did not get a good look at your heart as you were lying in an awkward position, but that position was comfortable for you wasnt it, no matter how hard we tried you wouldn't budge!!!! The Doctor told Mummy to go back to see him the following week to see if you would allow him to have a closer look at your heart.
I went back one week later and you let us see you. Your heart looked fine and you were growing well too.

When we knew that you were just perfect we told everybody we knew all about you. Your big sister Kirstie was told after her birthday in August. The following morning she awoke and asked me if you had arrived yet! If only!!!!
We were told that you would hopefully arrive on Monday 27th February 2006. What a long wait. Daddy was sure you were a girl and I told him he would have some apologising to do when you arrived. You visited me in my dreams, and to me that was a sign of your saftey in my tummy. Waiting for your first movements seemed like forever, but when they came, they too were a sign that all was well with you. I wanted to share these first flutters with Daddy, but every time he put his hand on my tummy you played games and pretended to be asleep! As you grew there was nowhere left to hide, and Daddy finally felt your kicks and saw you wriggling about. Mummy's feelings that you were a little boy grew stronger and stronger, as you grew bigger and bigger.
You certainly were a wriggler in my tummy Benjamin, weren't you. Your favourite time to play was 11 0 clock at night when Daddy and I needed some sleep. You also had your favourite side to sleep on didn't you - you were always on the right. And your favourite food was chocolate wasn't it, as I felt the need to eat it all of the time!

February 27th neared and everybody expected your arrival. But that day came and went and you decided that you would stay in your safe place just a little while longer. We began to wonder when you would make an appearence, and your big brother James and sisters Lauren and Kirstie wondered if you would come at all! Mummy predicted that you would grace us with your presence on Tuesday 7th March 2006.

Darling Benjamin.....you finally let me know that you were coming on the Monday evening as I felt the first little pains. Daddy was rudely woken by me in the early hours of Tuesday 7th March, informing him that 'Today was the day'. Oh Benjamin we were all so excited. Finally we were going to meet you and you were going to make our family complete. Mummy informed your Nanny Sue on the Monday evening that you were on your way. She.... along with all family and friends were so excited to meet you. She told me to stay calm and breathe and I would breeze through it! At 3:45am on the Tuesday morning I phoned my good friend and Midwife Hazel also to inform her of your forthcoming arrival. You were privileged Benjamin having Hazel to deliver you. She also delivered Kirstie six years ago.

Mummy breathed and breathed through the pains. I breathed so hard I nearly passed out. By 9am I couldn't cope with the pain so asked for an epidural. I really wanted to have you naturally but just could'nt cope, sorry. So the epidural was in and working. We waited patiently for you and 3 hours before your birth finally decided on your name. You see Benjamin, Mummy and Daddy struggled to agree on a boys name. If you were to be a girl you would be named Erin Kay (Kay after Mummy's Aunty), If you were a boy we agreed on Benjamin Riley Bernard (Bernard after Daddy's 'Pop'). I did'nt want you to arrive in our world without a name son so Daddy finally let me have my own way!

Well my Angel, you arrived at 12 minutes to 5 in the afternoon, and words could not possibly describe my emotions. When I held you in my arms you melted my heart. I turned to Daddy and told him how much I loved him. There are no words that can describe the love we felt for you. And you WERE a boy! Daddy sure had some apologising to do...calling you a girl for 9 months! So finally you were in my arms at last.
Benjamin Riley Bernard. A little baby boy. (Well not so little at 9 pounds 2 and a half ounces!) A son for Daddy and I. A baby brother for James, Lauren and Kirstie. A loved and precious Great Grandson, Grandson and Nephew.

Our joy and hapiness did not last long however, as you decided that your visit would be brief. The room that was filled with love and tears of joy, turned to overwhelming sorrow and pain.
The angels gathered you in their arms and took you to THEIR safe place. They recognised YOU Benjamin as one of their own, and they needed you.

Benjamin I held you close to me as soon as you were born. I could see that you were having trouble trying to breathe. There is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain. I believe I held you for just less than 5 minutes. In those moments you melted my heart. Daddy and I feel blessed that we saw you open your eyes...if only for a second. I remember them every time I close my eyes. You have the biggest dark blue eyes Benjamin. In those short moments you also let out a little whimper, not a reassuring big cry. That sound will be with me forever too.
You were taken away to the other side of the room just to have a little oxygen to help you along a little. I could see one of the midwives trying to bring you round but you were not responding. All this time still reassuring myself that this could not be happening and you just needed to clear your airways and take that first big breath of life. But you never did. Lying on that bed and having to watch what was happening was like a movie scene. I was in pain, nothing compared to the physical pain we endure during labour. A pain that to me is undescribable. It must have been my heart breaking. You were born at 12 minutes to 5 in the afternoon. For what seemed like the click of a finger I looked up a the clock and it was 5:20pm. Thats when I knew you were already gone. I waited patiently for that reassuring cry...but it never came sweetheart. I know that there is no pain or tears cried in your new safe place, and that to me is reassuring enough.

I felt like I wanted to die. A very natural feeling at that time I expect. I remember saying that I didn't know how to live now. Daddy and I held each other so tightly and promised we would be strong and be there for each other no matter what. We have your big brother and sisters to be strong for too. To live after what had happened in that room I had to believe what had happened. I did believe. I certainly didn't understand why it had happened and I was angry that it did. You went with the Angels at 17:35 Benjamin. Daddy and I were asked if we wanted to hold you. My first instinct was to refuse. I'm sorry Benjamin. Of course I wanted to hold you...but I knew we could'nt keep you and take you home with us. I thought if I held you I would not possibly be able to let go. But within a few seconds I felt I just needed you. Benjamin you were perfect in every way. Why had this happened. I began blaming myself and apologised to Daddy. It had to be me. There had to be something I had done during your time in my tummy. Daddy didn't like me blaming myself. I wanted what time we had together to be special Benjamim. So we bravely posed for photos with you in our arms.

Life simply had to go on. But I wanted it to stop. The thought of all the family waiting all day for the all important phone call by Daddy telling them that you had arrived, distraught me. Poor Kirstie, James and Lauren who were so excited that very morning, knowing that their baby brother or sister was finally arriving. Instead of the joyous phone calls Daddy was
going to make, he had the difficult task of informing the family that you had arrived but sadly passed on. Your Daddy is such a strong person Benjamin, but no matter how strong a man is I believe that to be one of the hardest things Daddy has ever had to do. But he did it and kept strong. I will never forget hearing Nanny Sue's voice on the other end of the line when she phoned me. I thought she would be distraught but she had to stay strong for Kirstie. It was Nanny Sue who had the awful task of telling Kirstie that you were with the angels. I didn't want to have to put her through that, nobody should have to go through that....but we do. Nanny Sue was probably in pain knowing I was in pain. I thought what it would be like if this ever happened to my daughter in the future. My first thoughts would be for her.

Our families arrived at the hospital to meet you Benjamin. Tears flowed at how perfect you were. And questions were asked...why? You were cuddled and kissed by all who loved you. That night you laid in bed in between Daddy and I. The following morning you were Blessed in the hospital. Again family members were with us for support. It was a beautiful day. You Benjamin were not put down once from 09:30am till 11pm that night. We posed for much wanted memories of our time with you. Everybody who held you had a photo taken. When the visitors left Daddy and I knew we had a few hours left to spend alone with you. I wanted to do everything possible with you that I could do in the little time we had. Daddy and I bathed you, changed your nappy, stroked your dark brown hair, changed your clothes,talked to you,played with you and did everything we could as if you were with us. We posed for photos in which we tried to smile. I did'nt want all of our beautiful memories of our special little boy spoiled by tears. And I refused to spend my final hours crying over you. I wanted to be a happy mummy with my baby. I could'nt bear the thought of going home without you. But even worse would be going home empty handed
and regretting that I had forgotten to do something with you. So that evening I kissed you all over. I had a really good look at you..all over. I touched you all over. I smelled you. We had a perfect evening with you Benjamin and I hope you enjoyed it.

Eleven o clock approached and I knew this was going to be the hardest moment in my life. Daddy placed you in the moses basket with your little teddies. The nurse was called and you were to be taken to the chapel of rest. I gently kissed you good bye not knowing if I would ever see you again. Daddy did the same. The nurse took you away. I sat on the end of the bed and took very deep breaths. I had the biggest lump in my throat, but didn't want to cry. I believed if I cried there and then I would find it hard to leave the hospital. Daddy and I gathered ours and your belongings and left the ward. It was a very quiet walk out of the hospital to the car. It felt like I was floating not walking. The hardest thing ever in my life was having to leave the hospital with out you. As soon as we got home I let it all out. I cried myself to sleep. Life was certainly going to be a struggle with out you, but Daddy and I simply had to be strong, not just for each other but everybody else too.

Little did I know that we would see each other again so soon. Daddy and I were so lucky to come and have cuddles with you while you were in the chapel of rest. Family and friends also came to see you. They thanked us for allowing them to meet you. Again photos were taken so we could treasure them forever. All photos had smiles and everybody enjoyed the time they spent with you son. You laid in the chapel for 11 days, and you still looked just as perfect as you did the day you were born. Infact when I walked in to see you on the 10th March I noticed a glow about you. And it was not just me who noticed it, everybody did. To me that was a sign of your safety and hapiness in heaven. When you were born you had a difficult time here on earth didn't you? You looked very stressed then. But as the days passed you glowed even more. You were at peace. That was the reassuring cry to me that I needed to hear. You showed me the cry rather than let me hear it I feel.
You were looked after by a lovely lady in the chapel. She let you sleep in your very own moses basket, instead of the hospital one. She changed you into various outfits throughout the 11 days. Benjamin you look so gorgeous in blue...what a little heart breaker. We bought toys for you, including a helicopter and a fisherman in a boat. They went in your basket with you every day. And not forgetting your dummies. Sunday 19th was our very final day with you. Again I refused to spend my final hours with you crying all over you. During your 11 days in the chapel of rest not a tear was shed. It was a respected resting place for you. I thought it would be as hard as leaving the hospital Benjamin, but knowing you were at peace made it slightly easier to leave you. Daddy and I had our final cuddles and kisses and Daddy placed you in your coffin with all of your toys and various letters to you written by all who met you. We left you sleeping soundly all snuggled up...just perfect.

Monday 20th March, Benjamin's special day. Your brother James made us all so very proud by carrying you Benjamin, in your beautiful coffin. We celebrated your short little life with family and friends. There were lots of tributes read for you by all who loved and missed you. We played your favourite song 'More than words' by 'Extreme', or the 'bump song' as we called it whilst you were in my tummy! I don't really like the word funeral. I would much rather call Monday 20th March 2006 Benjamin's celebration of life. We had a private burial for you sweetheart. Your brother and sisters let 3 ballons fly up to you which was beautiful. Although if you are wondering where Lauren's is, its in a nearby tree!!!!!!!
I know you are with me son. I find it hard to explain how I am feeling at the moment. I feel like I am wrapped in a big, warm, soft blanket. Is that you cuddling me benjamin? Are you protecting me from pain? I feel its you, I believe its you, it is you. Please wrap your arms around those who need you Benjamin. Its a great comfort to me. Hold us tightly and never let us go. We love you so dearly. Thank you for helping us son.

XXXXXXXXXXX

'Our little man' Benjamin 'Button Nose'. You melted our hearts like you would never believe. We know you are happy in your new safe place, and we know you are with us always. Keep shining son, stay warm and enjoy your new home. All our love Mummy, Daddy, James, Lauren and Kirstie.
XXX